


I've got you, brother

by Findus26



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2011 Era (Phandom), Brotherly Bonding, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Homophobic Language, M/M, Only very briefly though, Sad with a Happy Ending, Talking, The Manchester Apartment (Phandom), this was meant to be a one-shot, whoopsie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2020-11-27 06:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20943695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Findus26/pseuds/Findus26
Summary: Dan is visiting his family and as always, things turn sour quickly.Dan wants to run back to Phil, but somehow, he finds himself in his brother’s room for what might be their first ever honest conversation.(Title and chapter titles taken from Kodaline's song Brother)This was meant to be a one-shot, but inspiration struck again and now it's a short chaptered fic. Summary is for the first chapter, after that there will be individual chapter summaries. 1st chapter can still be read as a stand-alone.





	1. And when we're in the trenches and you're under fire I will cover you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thank you for clicking on this :)  
I know, writing about Dan's brother is kind of... risky, considering the sh*t that apparently went down some years ago. I had no idea who Dan and Phil were back then and, quite frankly, still know very little of all the drama surrounding the 2012/2013 era. If you find this deeply disrespectful, please tell me so, but I think - since this is purely a work of fiction and I do not claim to know anything about Dan, Phil, Adrian, their families or their personal life - we should be fine.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: This fic contains some family issues. There is also a mention of abortion(s) as well as the f-slur once (both in the 1st chapter).

It's approximately 8 p.m. and Dan wants to be just about anywhere but here. “Here” being his family home, sat around a dining table with his parents and his brother, trying to shove as much food as possible into his mouth in a rather unsuccessful attempt to be excluded from the current conversation.

He had tried to put this visit off for as long as humanly possible. When he moved to Manchester almost a year ago, finally escaping his childhood and all the trauma that came with it, he made a pact with himself to never be drawn back into the mess that had been his life in Wokingham. However, Dan hadn’t considered the sudden and surprising interest in his life by his parents – well, his mum, mostly.  
Whenever she’d call, asking for him to come down for a visit, he would make up some excuse about being busy with uni. Honestly, he was amazed by how well he was getting away with it, considering he hadn’t been to any of his classes in weeks, let alone done any work for them. Right now, the paperwork for his removal from the register of students was sitting on top of Phil’s desk, ready to be sent off as soon as Dan signs it, thus finalizing his fate of never becoming a lawyer. Not that he had wanted to be one in the first place. Neither of his parents knew that though. They’d never cared enough to notice.

Dan looks around the table, feeling even more out of place than he had back when he actually lived here. In his family home. Although it never really felt like home to him. _Home_ was a concept he never really grasped until he met Phil. Then, all of the sudden, _home_ was no longer a place. It was a person. Up until that point he’d always felt like an outcast. The unwanted child kept solely because his mum was convinced that abortion was murder. Sometimes Dan wonders if they would all be better off if he’d remained a clump of cells, sucked out of his mother’s uterus before he could feel any real pain. They could have been a normal family. Mum, Dad, and Adrian. No fucked-up older son/brother to ruin the picture-perfect image of happiness and the close-knit bond between them.

“So are you gonna tell us about university then?” His father’s voice pulls him from his thoughts rather abruptly. Dan feels in no rush to answer, taking his time to chew the piece of chicken in his mouth. Eventually, when it has turned into complete mush on his tongue and all six eyes are resting on him, he has no choice but to swallow and answer.

“Yeah, sure. It’s going alright, I suppose. I mean, I’m still not sure if law is the right thing for me, but...” Before Dan can talk himself any further into the lie, his father interrupts him with a voice as cold as ice.

“Well, it’s certainly a safe profession, isn’t it, Daniel?! We’re surely not giving you money every month for you to be ‘unsure if law is the right thing’ for you.” Dan hated when his father made him feel like a child, asking questions in a voice clearly intended to be condescending . He hated it even more if his father was doing so while clearly being in the wrong.

“I’m actually piling up a shitload of debt for uni, so I don’t think your finances are of any concern to me right now.” Dan tries to keep his voice calm and quiet. Apparently, he's not succeeding.

“Daniel” his mother says with an authoritative tone in her voice, her eyes gesturing towards Adrian.

That's it for Dan. “Oh, what about it, mum?” he ticks off. “Do you really think he’s never heard that word before? He goes to school, right?” Adrian only sinks deeper into his chair, otherwise not reacting to him suddenly being the focus of attention.

“Exactly Karen, I don’t think that’s what matters right now. I think the fact that our son seems to believe that the money in his bank account just appears out of thin air every month is way more important.” Dan can’t stop his eyes from rolling back into his head . Even after all these years, his father was apparently still capable of surprising Dan with how fucked-up his view on everything involving his oldest offspring was. The money they gave him every month, a whopping 90 pounds, was a direct transfer of the child benefits his parents received from the British government and didn’t even cover the cost for his accommodation.

“I don’t think he meant it like that” his mum tries to interject. His father simply raises his eyebrows.

“Are you disagreeing with me?”

“No, I’m just saying that… Never mind” His mother sinks down in her chair, assuming a position similar to her youngest son, who is still slouched over, trying to attract as little attention as possible.

“You always act like he can do no wrong, Karen.” Dan majorly disagrees with his father on that, but is smart enough to keep his mouth shut for now. His father isn’t done yet. In fact, he's only getting started. He is proper yelling now, about how she is always clucking around her children. How she was raising them to be disrespectful, effeminate fags.  
Yes, he actually said that. Dan doesn’t know if he wants to cry, scream in pain or yell at his father. Probably all of the above. What he doesn’t expect, though, is his younger brother jumping up as the word still rings through the room.

“What the fuck, Dad!” is all he yells before he runs out the room, his loud stomps making the glasses clatter as he makes his way upstairs. A door is slammed shut and suddenly, there is a stunned silence in the room. At least now they know that Adrian didn’t need to be guarded from ‘bad words’ any longer, Dan thinks. With his parents still at the table, almost comically frozen in a position somewhere between sitting and standing, Dan leaves the room.

All he really wants to do is to pack his bags, call Phil and get to the train station immediately. When he passes the door to his younger brother’s room though, he can’t help overhearing the quiet, choked sobs seeping through it. He sighes audibly.

Objectively, Dan knows that Adrian wasn’t to blame for all the shit he had been through. He was, and still is, just a child. It wasn’t his fault that his parents decided to have another child after they fucked up their first one. It wasn’t his fault they actually tried with him, making Dan jealous as he watched Adrian grow up under circumstances he wishes he’d had. It wasn’t his fault that he was more _boyish_, more conforming to that restrictive idea his parents still had in their head about what it means to be a man. Playing football instead of dancing around in a wig singing along to the _Spice Girls_. Back then, it was toy trucks instead of Barbie dolls (not that Dan was ever allowed to have those). Nowadays, it's exchanging little, innocent notes with girls he fancies instead of pining after a boy with beautiful blue eyes, like Dan was at his age.

Dan takes a deep breath before knocking on Adrian’s door. He doesn’t actually hear him say ‘Come in’, but the choked sobs stop for a second, so Dan deems it safe to enter. He opens the door, finding Adrian on the bed, face pressed into his tear-stained pillow, his body still violently shaking. Dan closes the door quietly.

“Heeey Buddy” he says in his softest voice, the one usually reserved for babies and puppies.

“What do you want?” Adrian replies, his voice harsh and angry, contrasting Dan’s careful one.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing. Things got kinda intense down there, huh?”

Adrian looks up at that, his face scrunched together in anger, clutching the pillow in front of his chest now.

“They always do. Why did you even come back home? You being here is making it so much worse. It’s making _him_ so much worse. Why don’t you just go back to Manchester? Run back to your fucking boyfriend, I don’t want to deal with your fucked up shit any more.”

Dan is so baffled to hear Adrian uttering such angry, hateful words that he almost doesn’t notice it. Almost.

“I’m sorry.” It's not good enough, Dan knows that, but he doesn’t have anything else to offer.

Adrian loosens his grip on the pillow just a little bit.

“That’s the first time you didn’t jump at my throat for calling Phil your boyfriend.” He looks genuinely bewildered, and the sight of that, plus the mention of Phil’s name, makes a small smile appear on Dan’s lips.

“I’m trying to be better with that, you know? I don’t want to keep denying him. Or myself, for that matter. Maybe that’ll help.” He is pretty sure his brother would have been less confused if Dan had mooed at him instead of saying that. His eyes grow wide.

“Shit Dan, I didn’t know.”

Dan can’t help a surprised huff from leaving his lips.

“Of course you didn’t. You’re twelve.” It sounds more condescending than he intended it to, reminding him of their father in an unpleasant way. Lucky for Dan , Adrian is almost as witty as him.

“Well, you knew at age twelve, didn’t you?”

Dan deems it best not to answer, at least not right now.

“Still. We don’t talk about stuff like that. We don’t talk at all.”

It's true, but saying it out loud makes it a sad reality that Dan didn’t want to confront. He thinks about Phil and his brother Martyn, about the close relationship they have, how he was always the first one Phil called when anything – good or bad – happened in his life (other than Dan, of course).

Adrian has moved on to picking invisible fuzz off his pillow. “Do you have someone to talk to, though?”

In this moment, his brother seems both incredibly small and very grown-up.

For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, Dan feels the pressing need to be close to his brother. In long, quick steps he makes his way over to the bed, sitting down at the footboard. Adrian moves over a little bit, but stops plucking at his pillow and looks straight up at Dan, expecting an answer.

“I have Phil” Dan is quick to reply.

“Other than him, I mean. I’m glad he’s there for you, but I think you need someone else. Does mum know?” The question s asked innocently enough, but Dan feels the vast difference in the parenting both of them had received highlighted to him once again.

“Nobody knows.” He pauses. “I don’t even know who I am.” Dan shrugs, while a slightly devious smile spreads across Adrian’s face. He shoves Dan lightly .

“Phil’s boyfriend, apparently.”

“Yeah, apparently” Dan can’t help but smile at that, bumping into Adrian in a friendly fashion.

“Thank you for telling me. I know it’s hard for you. Especially when Dad says stuff like… that ” Adrian seems disgusted at the thought of having to utter that word, even if it's for iteration purposes only.

Dan feels pride well up inside of him, along with a small glimmer of hope. “Who are you and what have you done with my baby brother?”

“I think you’re baby brother just grew up while you were gone. Maybe even before, but you just never noticed.” There is no harshness in his voice now, but it hurts Dan nonetheless. Mostly, because it's true.

“I was just… I was so busy figuring out my own shit. I thought you were fine, you know. Considering you’re the favourite child and all.” Even though all of that is true, Dan still feels like he's making excuses.

“I know you needed to figure yourself out but still. I just… I really could’ve used my older brother.” Dan doesn’t really know what to say to that, so he simply opens his arms, hoping Adrian will accept his offer of a hug.

He does more than that. He actually crawls into Dan’s lap and pulls his knees up to his chin. Dan envelops him completely, long arms tightening around the small body, Adrian’s curls tickling the inside of his nose. He smells like Matey bubble bath.

For a while, they just sit on the bed together. Dan is slowly rocking Adrian back and forth, rubbing circles across his back to soothe him. The younger sibling just lets it happen, enjoys being held by his older brother.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier” is what breaks the silence eventually. “About you making everything worse. That’s unfair. And not true.” Dan is actually surprised to hear that, but as it appears, Adrian isn’t done talking, so he just keeps listening.

“I think mum is really happy you’re here. She talks about you all the time. I know she can’t always say it, but she misses you a lot. Without you here, it… I mean he...” It takes a while for the words to finally spill over the young boys trembling lips. “He gets worse.”

Dan sits up straight at that, goosebumps running down his spine.

“Oh my God, Adrian. Is Dad hurting you?” His father had never abused Dan, at least not physically. It says a lot about him, though, that Dan doesn’t deem the concept impossible immediately. The thought of his father laying a hand on Adrian makes him want to punch a wall and scream.

“No. I mean, not like that. He just… yells a lot. And comes home drunk. And then yells at mum some more. And at me, at everything.”

Dan’s response is immediate, not entirely thought out, but an honest offer nonetheless.

“Do you want to come visit me sometime?” Adrian looks up in surprise and seems to think about the offer for a few seconds.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to stay in the dorms. I’m only 12, remember.” Right, the dorms.

“About that…,” Dan starts, “Can you keep a secret?”

Adrian presses his lips together tightly, motioning locking them with his hand. In moments like these Dan remembers just how young his brother still is.

“I’m not really staying at the dorms right now . I kind of… I live with Phil.” The last words come out breathless and rushed, but by the way Adrian’s eyes get bigger, he heard them just fine.

“So he’s actually…” Adrian shoots a quick glance at the door, before whispering quietly “your boyfriend.” It's the third time tonight that Adrian mentions it, and the third time Dan confirms. Both of them seem equally surprised by that series of events .

“Yeah. Reckon he is. And he’s pretty awesome. I’m sure he’d love to spend some time with you. He has an older brother, too. An actual good one, though.”

“You’re alright, too.” Adrian says, kindly.

“That’s nice, but I’m not, Adrian. I know that . I’ll try to be better.” He means it.

“I’ll try, too.”

Adrian falls asleep that night cuddled up closely to Dan, who is whispering a made up bedtime story in his ear. His tale of the two little bears is drowning out the noise of their parents fighting downstairs. Dan’s pretty sure he can hear a plate smashing, then the front door slams shut and a car starts up outside. 

He looks at his brother, asleep and seemingly peaceful. Free of the worries of his day-to-day-life. Worries that Dan used to share for so long, but still didn’t notice in the one family member who needed his protection the most. Before Dan can beat himself up over it, though, Adrian stirs in his sleep, his head landing on Dan’s chest. A little bit of drool is dripping from the corner of his mouth onto Dan’s shirt.

Dan watches as a dark stain appears on the blue fabric, brushing his fingers through the curls so similar to the ones he detests on himself.

No, they are nowhere near perfect. But they’ll try to be better. And for now, that’s all that really matters.


	2. We're living different lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan makes good on his promise and Adrian visits him in Manchester for the weekend. Friday.

Dan isn’t immune to the irony of his current situation. He is at Manchester Station, anxiously waiting for a train from Reading to arrive. The fact that his brother is actually on his way to Dan right now is scary, although he is nowhere near as nervous as he was the first time he made the trip up north to meet Phil. Still, him and his brother had never been close. They’d never spend much time together, not even when Dan was still living at home. Would they even have something to talk about?

  
Dan’s parents were heavily against Adrian coming up to visit at first and Dan couldn’t really blame them. Adrian was only twelve and Dan was, as far as they knew, still living in the dorms. A few months ago, though, Dan and Phil had officially moved in together – albeit as roommates, not as boyfriends. That and the fact that Adrian had just turned thirteen, making him a teenager and therefore basically an adult, at least according to himself, were enough for his mother to finally agree to a visit.  
She drove him to Reading Station where he’d taken a direct train to Manchester, where Dan would now pick him up so there was no chance of him getting lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  
A little part of him can’t help wondering if she would have been as worried about Dan at thirteen as she is about Adrian now, but he decides to push that thought down as the speakers crack and finally announce Adrian’s train rolling in.

They find each other in the crowd quickly and Adrian waves his hand excitedly as Dan makes his way over to him.  
“Hey there, buddy! It’s good to see you” he says, when he reaches Adrian. They give each other a short, one-armed hug. It feels weird, but the good kind of weird.  
“Did you have a good trip?” he asks, taking Adrian’s duffel bag so his brother is left with only a backpack on his shoulders.  
“Yeah, it was alright. Never knew England was basically just fields and grass and nothing.”  
“Oh, and rain. Don’t forget the rain!”

They make their way through the train station towards the buses outside.  
“Why didn’t Phil come with you to pick me up?” Adrian asks, looking up at Dan as they come to a halt at the bus station.  
“He wanted to do some last minute cleaning before you came. I told him he didn’t need to and you wouldn’t care, but y’know… He just likes it clean whenever someone comes to visit.” Dan shrugs his shoulders.  
“So opposites attract, clearly” Adrian points out. Dan can’t hold it against him, when he was still living at home his room was a mess. He’d gotten a lot cleaner since then, but how was Adrian supposed to know that...

  
As they get on the bus, Adrian seems almost giddy. Dan thinks it’s rather adorable, really.  
“I’m really excited to meet your boyfriend” he says as they sit down.  
Dan isn’t sure if he imagined it or if the old man walking past them really did turn around again when he heard the word ‘boyfriend’.  
“Adrian! Be quiet, people can hear you” he shushes his brother.  
“Can hear what? It’s not that big a deal, right?” Adrian seems annoyed now. Dan rolls his eyes.  
“Oh come on, Adrian, you’re in school, aren’t you? You know it’s a big deal.”  
Adrian gets really quiet and starts chewing the inside of his cheek.

Well, great. It only took him 5 minutes to make things weird, Dan thinks.  
Lucky for him, his brother seems to recover quickly and switches the topic.  
“My friends at school all think it’s really cool that I’m visiting you. They say it’s pretty rad that my older brother lives in Manchester.”  
Dan really shouldn’t care whether a bunch of hormonal teens think he’s cool or not, but he does. It might be a couple of years late, it might not be the peer group he once tried so desperately to get accepted by, but the fact that a group of teenagers at his old school actually think he’s cool now gives him more satisfaction than he’d care to admit.

The rest of their journey goes rather smoothly, Adrian tells him about a new video game he’s been playing and that takes up most of the time.

  
As they take the elevator up to his and Phil’s apartment on the 19th floor, Dan feels his heart racing. This is the first time he will introduce Phil as his boyfriend to a family member. He’d only ever done that to a handful of friends. Usually, he was the one getting introduced as the boyfriend. And even that had taken some getting used to. He knows that he objectively has no reason to be nervous. Phil gets along great with kids. He really leans into his childlike persona when he’s around younger ones and Dan loves that about him. He also knows that Adrian, while being a moody, broody teenager currently, is still a good kid at heart. He’s not scared of Adrian outing him. If his family knew one thing, it was how to keep secrets from each other.

  
The elevator pings and the doors slide open. The door to their apartment is already open widely. Phil is standing in the doorway, a huge smile plastered on his face.  
“Hey there, you two! Come on in!”  
Adrian stretches his hand out, very formally, and Dan thinks it’s weird. Then he imagines Adrian and Phil hugging upon their first meeting and thinks it’d be even weirder. He slips in past Phil, only giving him a brief hug. They’d talked about PDA before and agreed that neither of them felt confident enough around Adrian to be their usual, touchy-feely selves. At least for now.  
Adrian drops his backpack in the middle of the hallway and Dan drops the duffel bag right next to it.  
His brother doesn’t waste any time and immediately heads towards the living room, where the window front offers a great view over Manchester. Dan can see Phil wincing at the dirt his shoes leave on the way and has to stifle a giggle. The man who left cupboard doors open and insisted it would be animal cruelty to introduce the dust bunnies under his bed to a hoover – now suddenly bothered by some dirt in their hallway?  
“I’ll clean it up later” he whispered nonetheless before taking off his own shoes and walking towards the living room himself.

  
Phil and Adrian get along great. After they’d shown him around the flat, Adrian says he’s hungry and Phil is quick to order them a couple of pizzas. They sit, munching away, when Adrian spots their Nintendo Wii console underneath the TV.  
“Do you always have to be Luigi as well?” he asks Phil.  
“Always!” Phil answers, mouth still stuffed with pizza. “I’m used to it though, my brother Martyn always wanted to be Mario as well.”  
“That’s so unfair! Mario is so much cooler” Adrian replies. He seems actually bothered, causing Dan to be hit with a wave of guilt. As always, though, Phil is there to save the day.  
“Tell you what! Tonight, when we’re done with the pizza, you and me are gonna play Smash Bros and you can be Mario, alright?”  
Adrian’s eyes light up, then flicker over to Dan.  
“Oh, don’t worry about him, he can do the washing up in the mean time.” Phil’s tongue sticks out of his mouth as he shoots Dan a shit-eating grin. Dan rolls his eyes.  
“Fiiiine. But only if we play Mario Kart after that.”

Dan can hear Phil screeching and then Adrian’s loud laughter from his spot in front of the sink. He smiles to himself. He would bet money that Phil wasn’t letting Adrian win on purpose. The Howell brothers just knew their way around video games. It seemed to be the only thing him and his brother could connect over for a long time, although it was also the source of many arguments. Dan feels bad about not letting his brother be Mario whenever they played on their N64 back home. He feels bad for not letting Adrian be who he wants to be with him, when he knows exactly how that feels. He shakes his head in an attempt to rid himself of those thoughts. It’s not that deep. Adrian not being the video game character he wanted to be was nowhere close to him hiding his identity (and his partner) around family. Dan would make sure to let Adrian pick Mario every once in a while, though, whenever he’d come down to see his family. He didn’t really care all that much about it in the first place, if he was being honest with himself.  
Dan sets the last plate on the dryer rack and pulls out the plug. He watches as the grubby water spirals down the hole. Slowly at first, then faster and faster until it’s all gone, leaving only little chunks of tomato and cheese in the sink. He stares at them for a second, before snapping out of his trance, chucking the left over pieces in the bin and drying his hands before making his way back into the living room.

He sits quietly and watches as his brother absolutely annihilates Phil, who genuinely seems to try his best, before they eventually switch to Mario Kart. Dan picks Princess Peach, partly because he likes her, but also because he’s pretty sure his brother wouldn’t want to pick her. They play for quite some time. The sun sets, illuminating their living room in a beautiful orange light which is then replaced by the cold blue light of the TV, as they carry on playing. When they finally decide they’re done for the night, all three of them had managed to come in first at least once. Phil goes to switch on some lights and light some candles.

  
“You tired yet?” Dan asks. His eyes glance at the clock over the doorframe. It’s close to 10 p.m.  
“Not really” Adrian replies, unsuccessfully suppressing a yawn. Dan wonders what an appropriate bed time for a thirteen-year-old would be and then throws that thought right out the window as he remembers himself at that age staying up until three in the morning playing video games, dreading school the next day or… doing other things. Plus, it’s the weekend anyway and what good is a cool older brother if he sets a bed time for you?  
Phil comes back with a blanket wrapped around himself and another one in his arm, presumably for Adrian.

  
“You guys wanna watch a movie?” They both nod their heads so Phil gestures towards their selection of DVDs on the shelf next to the TV-stand. “Take your pick, Adrian. But nothing too gruesome, please, I have a sensitive stomach.”  
Dan is glad that Phil asked Adrian to pick, because he had absolutely no idea what kind of movies his brother liked.  
As Adrian makes his way over to the shelf, Phil plops down next to Dan and lifts up his blanket, gesturing Dan to join him under it. He sticks his feet under it and Phil begins gently stroking his calves. It soothes Dan, who is still a little nervous about having his brother see this new life he’d built with Phil.  
Adrian holds up the first Harry Potter movie.  
“Aaaah, a classic” Dan says, “d’you mind putting it in? DVD player is right next to the consoles.”  
Dan is tempted to pull his feet out from under the blanket as Adrian makes his way back to the sofa, but his younger brother pays absolutely no mind to them as he sits down again, wrapping himself up in the blanket Phil brought for him.

The end credits of the movie roll and Dan realizes his brother is fast asleep next to them. They get up quietly and Dan carries their glasses and the (now empty) bowl of popcorn Phil had made mid-way through the movie into the kitchen. He stops in his tracks on his way back to the living room.  
From the door frame, he can see Phil stuffing a pillow underneath Adrian’s head and wrapping the blanket around him carefully. Dan stays where he is, watching, until Phil turns and walks towards him. Dan pulls him in for a short kiss. “Ready for bed?”  
“Yup. Just need to brush my teeth. I’ll see you in the morning?” Although they mostly slept in Phil’s bedroom, Dan had asked for them to sleep in their separate rooms during Adrian’s visit. It was part of his whole no-PDA-plan he had already come to regret.  
“Maybe I can come sleep in your room for a bit? I can sneak out in the morning?”  
“Aaah, like the good ol’ times when I was still living with my parents?” Phil smiled reminiscently. “Sure, let’s go” he said, taking Dan’s hand and leading them into the bedroom, leaving Adrian softly snoring in the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me dot gif
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this, please let me know if you did. Muchas gracias :*


	3. You're my brother and I love you, that's the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday rolls around and Phil, Dan, and Adrian spend the day exploring Manchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been having some formatting issues, so I apologize in advance for any kind of weird spacing or stuff like that that I might have missed. Other than that, please enjoy this piece of wholesome fluffy bonding.

Dan can tell it’s still early by the tiny amount of natural light peeking out underneath the curtains. Phil is soundly asleep next to him. Usually, it’s hard for Dan to get out of bed before noon, but it seems some part of his unconscious is still so trained on sneaking out of Phil’s bed that he has woken up naturally. He looks over at the alarm clock on the night stand.  
7:30  
He contemplates staying where he is. He knows Adrian probably wouldn’t care. His brother might still be young, but Dan isn’t naive enough to believe he doesn’t know what kind of things they do when he isn’t around. He feels well rested, though, so instead he just decides to get up.  
He goes to his room aka the guest room to get a towel and some clothes before moving to the bathroom.  
After his shower, he quietly sneaks into the lounge to grab his laptop. Adrian is still soundly asleep on the couch. Just like that night back at his parent’s house, he looks oddly peaceful and free of worries, his curls gently tousled on his forehead. Dan wonders if he looks the same way when he’s asleep. He’d have to ask Phil about it sometime. He sits down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and opens up his computer.  
They want to explore Manchester today. Although Adrian has said before that he’s fine just playing video games and lounging on the sofa all day, Dan knows his mum would ask both of them about what they did together and he knows just as well she wouldn’t accept “nothing” for an answer. Plus, he just so happens to know that Phil is an excellent Manchester tour guide.  
He has booked tickets for a tour of the Manchester United stadium in advance, all credit to Phil, who actually came up with the idea. Neither of them we’re hugely into football, only watching the odd game here and there during the World Cup, but Adrian – like a perfect straight-boy-cliche – loved both playing and watching it, so Dan knows it’ll be a hit. He opens up Google Maps to check how to get there (as if he hadn’t done so twice already in the last few days) and then moves on to plan the rest of their day. Adrian would get a tour of Manchester similar to the one Phil had given him almost two years ago. They wouldn’t start at Starbucks and would leave out the stop at the Apple store, but Phil has a surprising amount of knowledge of the city and actually manages to make learning about the history of it fun, so Dan wants to take full advantage of that. After buying fast-passes for the wheel (Dan’s favourite spot in the city) for later that day, Dan moves on to aimlessly browsing the internet, until he eventually hears Adrian stirring. He hears yawning, before small eyes peek over the backrest of the sofa towards the kitchen.  
“G’morning” Adrian manages to say, his voice still groggy.  
“Morning. How did you sleep?” Dan replies, closing his laptop and facing his brother.  
“Slept alright. I don’t actually remember falling asleep, but I woke up around two in the morning with a pillow under my head. So thanks for that.” Adrian rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands before stretching them up and yawning once more.  
“You’ll have to thank Phil for that, he’s the one who tucked you in” Dan teases good-heartedly. They chat for a little while until Adrian seems a little more awake.  
“I’m gonna go get dressed. Is the bathroom empty?” Adrian asks, getting up and moving towards the duffel bag on the armchair next to the sofa.  
“I think so” Dan replies, quickly scanning the hallway from his spot at the bar. “Do you need a towel or something?” he asks.  
Adrian moves his head down to his arm pits and sniffs. “Nah, I’m good.”  
Dan rolls his eyes, but says nothing. The journey to discovering that half a can of AXE body spray can’t actually replace a shower is one every teenage boy has to master on his own.  
As he hears the bathroom door close, he gets up from his spot and gets the kettle going. Phil wasn’t exactly a morning person either and if Dan has to wake him up at nine in the morning, he deems it safer not to do so empty handed. 

“Why would anybody have Shreddies for breakfast when they could have cereal that actually tastes good instead?” Adrian asks after Phil is finished placing their array of boxes on the breakfast bar.  
“Same factory, you two” Phil replies, sounding actually offended and pointing his spoon accusingly from one Howell to the other.  
“You just can’t handle the truth, Phil. Crunchy Nut is the superior choice. Fight me!” Dan says, his brother nodding enthusiastically next to him.  
“Alright, maybe I will!” Phil smirks. Adrian rolls his eyes and mumbles something that sounds like ‘Get a room’, causing Dan’s face to turn a delightful shade of crimson. 

Dan would lie saying he actually enjoys himself. This is neither his usual crowd nor a terrain he feels comfortable in and it seemed more blatantly obvious the more time they spend at Old Trafford. The fact that Adrian’s smile grows wider and wider with every minute they are inside the stadium (and the museum. And the gift shop) makes the money and time he spent worthwhile nonetheless. Adrian takes a multitude of pictures: Of the stadium as a whole before they go inside, of the grass, the stands, the locker rooms, even some of himself smiling widely into the camera while giving a thumbs-up.  
It is quite nice for Dan to see Adrian embrace the sweet, childlike part of himself that’s getting harder and harder to recognize beneath the omnipresent aura of “Ugh!” typically surrounding teenagers.  
They do eventually leave, though, and make their way back to the city centre for Dan’s favourite part of the itinerary: The Big Wheel.  
He loves that place. Not only because it holds some very special memories to Phil and himself, but also because he loves the view from up there. They get up at the perfect time, just as the sun is beginning to set, casting everything in a wonderful, orange glow. Life is good sometimes, Dan thinks. It’s his favourite time of day and he gets to spend it at his favourite spot in the whole city.  
When they get off the wheel, the street lamps are already switched on and the orange glow is being replaced by a less beautiful white glimmer.  
“What do you guys think? Time for food?” Dan asks, looking expectantly at Adrian and Phil.  
“In a minute. You and I need to take a picture together” Adrian says, much to Dan’s surprise.  
“Mum says she wants proof of her children hanging out” he goes on to explain. “I think she still doesn’t believe it’s real. Us hanging out, I mean” he clarifies before handing Phil the phone and moving a few steps towards the wheel again.  
Dan puts an arm around his brother’s shoulders as the younger wraps his own around Dan’s waist. It feels comfortably weird as well as weirdly comfortable.  
They smile for the camera and Phil takes at least twenty pictures of them. He knows how Dan gets with pictures of himself, so he wants to make sure that there is at least one his boyfriend would deem decent enough to keep. He’s surprised when Adrian motions for him to get into the picture as well.  
“I’m… I mean... Are you sure?” Phil asks, clearing his throat.  
“Yeah,” Adrian nods to emphasize, “I mean, you’re sort of part of the family now, right? Even if, like, Mum and Dad don’t know it yet.”  
Dan looks at Phil and sees his eyes getting a little watery just before his own vision is blurred, too. They both blink rapidly a couple of times before huddling together so they can fit into the same frame. Dan and Phil both have to crouch down significantly, so that at least a fraction of the wheel is visible behind them. After taking another ten pictures, they swipe through them to make sure that there is at least one good one. When Dan decides that there is, he starts walking towards the bus station.  
“Wait! Don’t you want me to take a picture just the two of you?” Adrian asks. “Like, with your phone?”  
“No, it’s fine” Dan is quick to reply.  
“You sure?” Adrian insists, shooting a quick glance at Phil, who speaks up then.  
“Oh, come on Dan. In front of our wheel, it’s perfect!”  
Dan sighs.  
Damn Phil and his cute puppy dog eyes.  
“Didn’t know we owned the wheel now, but if you insist...”  
Phil rolls his eyes at him as he hands Adrian his phone. Dan’s brother takes a few steps back before raising the phone and motioning for the two of them to stand closer together. Dan feels Phil’s hand on the small of his back. He deems it progress that he doesn’t immediately jump at the feeling or at least looks around to see if anybody is watching them. He knows that it’s in large parts to the man beside him, who had always been better at unapologetically being himself (that’s what the absence of trauma does to a person, he guesses), but he is beginning to think that maybe the boy behind the camera, who just shrugged his shoulders and moved on as normal when Dan (sort of) came out to him, is also starting to play a part on his journey to self-acceptance. 

“What do you wanna eat tonight?”  
They’re currently stood in Tesco and Dan realizes he probably should have asked that before they marched in here. Now they look kind of lost, standing in the middle of the produce aisle.  
“How about pizza?”  
Dan can’t believe Phil sometimes.  
“We can’t eat pizza again. We had pizza yesterday.”  
“Well, we ordered pizza yesterday, but if we get, like, a ready-made pizza to bake at home, that’s a completely different meal” Adrian offers.  
“I like the way you think, young lad,” Phil says and Dan thinks he sounds like a grandpa.  
“Okay… Fine. I will agree to home made. With pre-made dough and sauce. Get two or three of those pizza kits, will you, Phil? And some cheese?”  
While Phil huddles off to get the dough, Dan and Adrian each get what they deem best as a topping. Dan returns with pepperoni, tinned corn, mozzarella and green olives (for Phil). Adrian doesn’t even leave the produce aisle and throws a bell pepper, tomatoes, fresh mushrooms, and red onions in their basket.  
“That looks… healthy?” Dan can’t mask the surprise in his tone when he returns.  
Adrian, fortunately, doesn’t seem to have taken any offence. “Mum is usually so busy and you know Dad can’t cook for shit so I just figured that’s something I could help with. Around the house, y’know? I actually really enjoy cooking now, like, more than I thought I would” he goes on to explain.  
“That’s good. Great, actually. I’m more like Dad in that way, I guess. I can’t cook if my life depended on it. Did I ever tell you about that time I accidentally set fire to a pot of pasta in uni because I didn’t know you had to put water in it as well?”  
Adrian’s eyes grow wide. “Maybe I could teach you how to cook sometime?” A small smile creeps up to both of their mouths.  
“That would be really nice of you. And I’m sure Phil would also appreciate it if he had some actual help around the kitchen.”

When they finally get home, they get to making dinner immediately. After a full day of walking around Manchester, all of them had worked up quite an appetite. Afterwards, their kitchen is a disaster. There’s cheese all over the counter, little pieces of corn are on the floor and Dan doesn’t know how, but there’s a big splatter of tomato sauce on Phil’s nose. What he does know is that if Adrian wasn’t here right now, Dan would lick it right off. He doesn’t want to traumatize his brother though, so he opts for swiping it off with his index finger instead. 

“If you’re gay, does that mean I can’t talk about girls with you?” Adrian says out of the blue after they’ve finished eating. He and Dan are lounging on the sofa, while Phil is in the kitchen doing dishes. They both offered to help, but Phil insisted to do it alone.  
Dan sighs. “First of all, I don’t even know if I am. Second of all, even if I was, why would that mean that you suddenly couldn’t talk to… WAIT!” He snaps out of it before going into a full-on political rant. His eyes grow wide as he processes what his brother actually just asked him. “Is there someone special you’d like to talk about?”  
Adrian blushes. “Don’t know… Maybe. There’s this girl in my school, we talk and we text sometimes. So today I sent her this…,” Adrian shoves his phone in front of Dan’s eyes, “picture of me at the ManU stadium. And she just replies ‘cool’. What’s that even supposed to mean?” Dan recognizes the same underlying whiny tone in Adrian’s voice that he had himself whenever faced with any minor inconvenience.  
“I don’t know, man” Dan replies, dumbfounded. “Probably just means she thought the picture was cool.”  
“UGH!” Adrian exclaims loudly as he buries his head in a sofa cushion. Dan can’t help but smile, a little reminiscent of his first schoolboy-crush.  
“So do you like this girl?” he tries.  
“I dunno,” Adrian mutters, “How do I even know if I like someone?” he adds, raising his head from the pillow. “What do you like about Phil?”  
Later, Phil would claim it was pure coincidence that he walks in right then. Dan doesn’t believe him one bit.  
“That’s easy,” Dan starts. “I like that I can talk to him about anything. He makes me feel like my opinions matter and he takes them seriously. He makes me happy. We share the same interests and he’s always there for me, no matter what. I just know that my life is better with him in it.”  
“Also doesn’t hurt that I am incredibly good-looking, right?” Phil barges in, Dan finally taking notice of him. Adrian giggles.  
“Mind if I join in?” Phil asks. Dan is about to reply, when he realizes the question isn’t meant for him. Adrian shakes his head enthusiastically, his curls flopping from one side of his head to the other.  
“Do you feel that way about that girl?” Dan asks.  
Adrian shrugs his shoulders. “I dunno. I just kinda like the way her hair smells, I guess.” Dan and Phil share a knowing look. Oh, to be this young and innocent again...  
“Well, that’s a good start, isn’t it?! Maybe try and get to know her a little more. Ask what kind of shampoo she uses, maybe?”  
Adrian’s eyes go wide at that. “I think maybe you can’t help me with girls if you’re gay.”  
Phil actually laughs out loud. “Hey, we’re not all useless. Maybe... try to spend more time with her? Like try sitting next to her in class or during lunch? Ask her about herself! Most girls –” Phil pauses, “scratch that – most people like that. Find out what she likes, maybe what kind of movies she’s into? Then you could pick something and invite her to go to the cinema with you.”  
“See, that’s helpful.” Adrian makes a point of staring at Dan while gesturing towards Phil. “Maybe I’ll trade him for you as a brother”  
“I wouldn’t blame you.” Dan replies. It’s all in good fun, they both know it,  
“I think I’m only useful when it’s about girls. I’m useless when trying to flirt with guys.” Phil says, more to himself than to either of them.  
“You managed to pull my brother” Adrian replies encouragingly nonetheless.  
“Just because he was extremely thirs… easy to talk to.” Phil’s cheeks flush pink.  
“Nice save there, bub.” The pet name just slips out. Dan doesn’t mean for it to happen but he also isn’t really bothered by it. That’s what it feels like to be comfortable around people, he guesses.  
“I think this is more about you being good at giving advice, whilst also being terrible at actually sticking to said advice,” Dan adds before turning back to Adrian: “Look. Honestly, if she likes you, she won’t mind you being a little bit awkward. When we first met, Phil would talk about Buffy, like, 90 percent of the time and it only made me fancy him more.”  
“What’s Buffy?”  
Phil’s eyes grow wide.  
“Oh! Oh no! Adrian! You have awoken the monster!” Dan yells dramatically as Phil practically sprints the short distance to their DVD shelf to get his Buffy Collector’s Edition box set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and pls let me know what you think <3


	4. And if we hit on troubled water I'll be the one to keep you warm and safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last day of Adrian's visit to Manchester has come around and it's time for heart-felt goodbyes. Not before some deep conversations, though. Sunday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is v v dialogue-heavy. You have been warned, don’t blame me.  
Also, TW: this chapter once again mentions the f-slur once, but it’s not used to actually harm in that situation. So beware of that, dear friends :*  
Other than that, enjoy. I think this is the longest one yet, I’ll see you after you’re done ;)

Dan is woken up early again. This time it’s not by a pressing need to sneak out on his boyfriend in their own apartment, but by the wonderful feeling of carpet in his mouth. He walks into the kitchen, quiet taps of bare feet on tiles, and almost jumps at the sight of Adrian standing by the counter. He must’ve let out some sort of noise, because Adrian turns around to see him standing in the door frame.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” he says apologetically.  
“That’s alright, just came in to get a glass of water.” Dan glances at the clock. It’s a little after five o’clock.  
“What are you doing up?” he asks Adrian, concerned whether is brother was already or still awake.  
“Couldn’t really sleep. Brain won’t shut up.” He taps the side of his forehead with his index finger to emphasize.  
Dan is surprised, and judging by the look on his face at the realization he had actually said that out loud, so is his brother. Feelings were usually very much off the table as a talking point between them. This weekend really had made them closer, Dan figures. He decides to lean in.  
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“I’m honestly surprised they haven’t figured it out yet,” Dan says, taking another sip of his third glass of water. Adrian is still on his first. So far, Adrian had done most of the talking. About how he doesn’t want to go home yet. About how he feels restless and uneasy at the thought of returning to Wokingham. Dan can relate, which was how the current topic had come up.  
They’re both sat down at the breakfast bar and Dan feels properly awake now.  
“I mean, they must’ve heard the rumours about me back in my school days.”  
Adrian shakes his head a little. “There’s rumours about everybody, Dan. I’m more surprised that the fact you’re living with a guy, who you met over the internet, even when you’ve never really liked people being in your space, hasn’t tipped them off.”  
“They’re probably just too busy with their own sh...stuff to notice how that’s weird for me.”  
Adrian grins. “What, now you’re going to watch your language around me? Believe me, I’ve heard it all. At home, in school...”  
Dan circles back to Adrian’s previous comment: “When you say everybody… Do you mean…?”  
“Of course I’ve been called gay at school. Don’t think anybody really means it in the literal sense, though. They’re just throwing it around as an insult. Your hair’s gay, your mum’s gay, your shirt’s gay… Whatever.”  
Dan internally flinches every time Adrian throws the word gay around like it’s nothing. For him, the thirteen years of school he had to endure have intertwined it directly with pain and suffering. He clears his throat. “Now, I’m only asking this because they definitely did mean it in a literal sense with me and because they were kind of right about it. Are you… like…?”  
“No.” Adrian shakes his head almost apologetically. “I mean, I literally told you about this girl I fancy last night.”  
“I had a girlfriend for two years,” Dan reminds him.  
“Huh. Fair point. But no, I’m straight. I mean, I think I am. I’ve only ever fancied girls, I think.”  
Dan is very grateful for the way Adrian phrases his answer. He doesn’t think the younger one is even aware of it. He’s not disgusted by the thought of being attracted to boys. He just… isn’t. Just like Dan just… is.  
Adrian pulls him out of his thoughts. “That must’ve been really hard for you.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Realizing those twats who bullied you were actually right about you being… Y’know, they were at least… a little bit right?” He realizes that Adrian doesn’t use the word gay to refer to Dan. He’s a smart kid, that one.  
“About me being… like this?” He still can’t get himself to say it.  
Adrian nods encouragingly.  
“Yeah, it sucked. I thought I was gonna get punched even more when people found out the truth, so I did everything I could to hide it. Didn’t work of course.” Dan lets out a laugh, but there is no happiness in it. Instead, if feels ice cold. Adrian pulls the sleeves of his pyjama top over his hands and crosses his arms in front of his chest.  
“I think I understand why you moved all the way to Manchester for uni now. For the longest time, I just figured it was only because that’s where Phil was. But I think even if you hadn’t met him… You just needed to get away from it all, right?” Dan thinks he hears a little bit of jealousy in his brother’s voice.  
“Sort of, yeah. But I won’t lie to you, Phil played a huge part in deciding where I went to.” Even with the seriousness of their conversation, a small smile still plays around Dan’s lips at the mention of Phil’s name.  
“I get it. I think he’s good for you. You seem a lot happier here than you do at home.” Adrian looks down when he says it and Dan is thankful for it. Feelings are still a little weird to talk about between them and Dan doesn’t want to ruin the moment by breaking into tears, which he just might if his brother looks at him directly.  
“I think I am,” he says when he’s collected himself again. “Happier, I mean.”  
There’s a short silence between them, but it’s not uncomfortable. Eventually, Adrian speaks up again.  
“Do you plan on telling them at some point?” He’s now picking invisible fluff off his shirt. Dan is beginning to think he’s found his brother’s coping mechanism for awkward situations.  
“Who? Mum and Dad?” Adrian nods without looking up.  
“I don’t know. A part of me wants to. I… I love Phil,” he cringes at being this open and generally mushy-feely around his brother. “I don’t want to keep hiding him, but I’m scared.”  
“Scared of him?”  
Adrian doesn’t need to clarify who he’s referring to.  
“Yeah. You know how Dad is. He thinks being attracted to other men is basically the worst thing a son could do to his parents. Like it’s a fucking insult to their parenting style or whatever. And he already thinks I’m a failure, so no need to pile onto that, I think.” It’s the truth and it’s not like Dan’s just realizing it. Somehow, saying it out loud hurts nonetheless.  
“What about Mum?” Adrian follows up on his previous question.  
“Mum… I guess Mum would just be on his side to avoid the drama. So that makes it even harder, I think. Coming out when you know there’s nobody on your side.”  
Adrian’s head perks up.  
“You’d have me on your side.”  
He looks at Dan with a wonderfully childlike enthusiasm.  
“I’d stick up for you. I’ve been trying to, recently.” His face falters again. “I mean, of course, Dad doesn’t give a shit about what I say, but he can’t keep getting away with the things he says. So when he calls me or you or someone at work a… fag,” he hisses that last word out through gritted teeth, “then I say that you can’t say that word to people because it’s mean and also because it doesn’t matter who they love. It just matters if they’re a good person or not.” Adrian is positively angry now.  
This time, Dan can’t stop the silent tears from running down his face. His brother kindly ignores them. He is overwhelmed with love and adoration, as well as a big sense of pride at the thought of his younger brother sticking it to their father. He wipes his cheeks quickly and takes a deep breath through his nose.  
“I think you are the bravest teenager I’ve ever met,” he says. And he means it.  
Adrian shakes his head firmly.  
“Don’t say that. Whenever people at school call me or someone else gay, or whatever else, I don’t say anything. Just at home.”  
“Well, Dad’s at least as much of a bully as the people in school, right?” He gives his brother an encouraging pat on the shoulder.  
“Probably. Still, I feel bad about it. Whenever I don’t say anything or do anything about it. I feel like shit then.”  
Dan nods. He gets the feeling. He felt the exact same way in school. He wanted to speak up against the injustice, the slurs, the bullying, but he knew it’d just come back to punch him in the face – literally.  
“I get that. Maybe you can reach out to the bullied kid when no one is watching? Y’know, tell them you’re on their side or whatever.” Dan is just telling Adrian what he wishes he’d done. But also… “I think that would have made all the difference for me back in the day. Just knowing that somebody, anybody really, was on my side.”  
“I think I can try that,” Adrian replies, looking up at his brother. Both of them smile.

“I’ll try talking to Mum, yeah?” Dan says, getting serious again. “Not about the whole… sexuality thing,” he clarifies. “I’ll try to get her to speak up against Dad more, alright? She can’t just accept the way he treats all of us, her especially. It’s bad enough you have to deal with the bullies at school, you shouldn’t be living with one, too.”  
Adrian’s eyes go wide. “You’d do that for me?”  
Dan doesn’t even think about his answer. “Of course I would, you’re my brother.”  
Adrian jumps in to hug him. Dan almost looses his balance and it’s awkward because bar stools aren’t really meant for cuddling on them, but Dan loves it nonetheless.  
Adrian lets go of him eventually to let out a big yawn.  
“You getting tired again?” Dan asks.  
“A little bit, maybe” Adrian replies sheepishly.  
“Wanna lay down again?” Dan’s eyes wander towards the couch. Adrian’s do, too.  
“Would it be really really stupid if I asked you to lay down with me?” His voice is very quiet. It’s only for the fact that it’s close to six in the morning and the house as well as the city outside are still mostly asleep that Dan can make out what he’s saying at all.  
“Not at all.” Dan looks directly at his brother and smiles encouragingly. “But let’s go to bed, yeah? I think the couch is a little small for the both of us, don’t you think?” 

They cuddle. Dan knows this isn’t something brothers usually do after they’ve hit the age of, like, ten, or whatever, so it should feel weird. It doesn’t. It just feels nice and warm and comforting.  
Physical touch wasn’t something that was given easily around the Howell household. Well, apart from his grandma, who loved all her children and grandchildren openly and willingly and with many displays of said love.  
Dan knows that growing up without many physical expressions of love has had lasting effects on him. It’s not that hard to put two and two together, really.  
Whenever he got into a new relationship, his touch-deprived self would soak up all the attention like a sponge until his partner eventually grew tired of it. His ex-girlfriend would get really annoyed and call him clingy, especially when all the cuddling wouldn’t lead anywhere sexually. And honestly, who could blame her.  
Lucky for him, Phil has an infinite amount of hugs and kisses and cuddles and small touches. He gives them out freely, and Dan happens to be the fortunate recipient of most of them.  
Adrian, he realizes, probably feels the same way. All out of loving touches. Except he doesn’t have anyone to fill up (phil up) his tank. He really hopes his brother finds that person someday. He hopes that she’s nice to him. That she’ll give him all the cuddles he asks for. And those he doesn’t ask for, but still wants. He hopes that she will hold his hand and then he’ll never have to worry about feeling loved again.  
Until then, Dan will squeeze his little brother just a little tighter. He’ll make sure to give him a hug every now and again when they see each other. Well, if Adrian lets him. Teenagers and all that…

When Dan wakes up, the bed next to him is empty and he hears noises coming from the kitchen. It smells delicious. He decides someone will probably come and get him when the food is ready and closes his eyes again. When he hears both Phil and Adrian laughing in the kitchen, though, he is intrigued enough to get up.  
He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop, he really doesn’t, but when he’s about to step through the kitchen door he stops in his tracks. They’re talking about him.  
“And you just replied to him because he liked Muse, too?” Adrian’s wonder is apparent in his voice.  
The extractor fan is rather loud – rude – but Dan can make out Phil saying “Well that, and he looked cute in the picture, too.” Dan rolled his eyes. He was topless in that picture. He’s glad that Phil conveniently leaves out that part of the story.  
“I watched some of your videos, by the way,” Adrian goes on to say. “After Dan told me you two were dating I figured it’d be best to get to know you a little bit.” Dan is surprised and – from what he can hear over the hustling and bustling in the kitchen, Phil seems to be, too.  
“Did you like them?”  
“I did! They’re really funny. Some of them are weird, but the good kind. At least, I think so. I get why Dan started talking to you, you seem like a fun person to be around in your videos.” Dan doesn’t have to see Phil to know he’s blushing at the compliment.  
“Do I live up to the expectations then?” Phil adds after a few seconds of silence (well, except for the sizzling sound of something frying in a pan).  
There’s no immediate response, so Dan figures Adrian is probably replying non-verbally. When he does speak up, it answers the question nonetheless.  
“You seem like a really happy person. Which is something Dan needs in his life, I think. We all do, I guess.” Dan’s heart aches for his brother. He physically clutches at it as if that’s going to do anything. The sizzling seems to be getting quieter. Unfortunately for Dan, so does his brother’s voice. He has to move a few steps closer to where the door is partially open to make out what he’s saying.  
“Does it bother you that I just marched in here and took up all that space in the living room?”  
Is that a Howell thing?, Dan wonders, Always being afraid of taking up too much space? Fortunately, Phil is just as kind replying to Adrian as he was when Dan had asked him a very similar thing back in 2009.  
“Of course not. I love having you here. I’ve always been the baby of my family so it’s nice to have you around. I know you’re Dan’s little brother and not mine, but...” He doesn’t finish the sentence.  
“maybe I’ll be your brother-in-law someday.” Adrian finishes the sentence for him.  
Dan’s eyes grow wide as he’s hunched over in front of the door. Phil and him talked about building a life together, sure. Even about spending the rest of it together. But marriage was a very sensitive topic for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being that they were not legally allowed to even get married in the first place.  
“Let’s hope the government allows me to marry your brother someday.” There’s a small amount of bitterness in his voice, not audible to a regular listener, but Dan’s ear is trained to pick up all the little intonations in Phil’s voice, so hears it clearly. It makes him sad.  
The extractor vent is switched off, so he hears Adrian’s voice a lot better now.  
“I’ll plate this, you go wake him up.”  
Dan does a full 180 in just one second and rushes back to his room to lie down under the duvet. It’s not one second too soon as Phil is next to his side some mere seconds later.  
“Good morning” he chimes innocently and gives Dan a peck on the cheek. Dan does his best impression of someone who’s just woken up, stretching and yawning and slowly blinking.  
“G’morning” he replies as he rubs the (non-existent) sleep from his eyes dramatically.  
“Breakfast is ready, you might want to get up” Phil says and turns around.  
“Yummy!” Dan exclaims enthusiastically. Phil is pretty much out the door when he turns around again:  
“Hey Dan?”  
“Huh?”  
“The gap on our kitchen door is quite big, you can see feet quite clearly under there.”

None of them want the weekend to be over just yet.  
It’s apparent as Adrian packs up his duffel bag, sighing loudly every once in a while.  
Phil quietly packs Adrian a lunch box, like a proper one with crisps and a sandwich and everything, and Dan thinks it might be the sweetest thing he’s witnessed to date.  
Dan feels choked up when they leave the apartment, all three of them together, and head for the elevator.

They get to the station with a few minutes to spare, so they just kind of stand, waiting, awkwardly shuffling from side to side. Eventually, though, it is time for Adrian to get on the train.  
“Thank you” he says as Dan pulls him in for a hug. He isn’t one-hundred percent sure, but he thinks he even hears a small sniffle coming from Adrian. Dan remembers the promise he made to himself last night and makes sure to hug Adrian even tighter. This is far from the half-arsed, one-armed hug they shared in roughly the same spot just a few days ago. They let go of each other eventually and Adrian goes on to hug Phil in a similar fashion. Just like Dan before, Phil makes sure to hug back tightly. He just knows. He always just knows, Dan thinks. 

They wave the train goodbye even after Adrian’s wagon is way past where he could see them. When the track next to them is empty again, they stay for a few more seconds. Phil gives Dan a short squeeze of the shoulder before he lets go of him again.  
They’re quiet on the way back. Dan doesn’t know if Phil is in his own thoughts, too or if he’s just letting Dan figure out his.  
Dan really got to see a different side of Adrian this weekend. He got to see his brother outside of all the family drama. Just like Dan was a different person around his family, a more repressed, shy, closeted (in more ways than one) version of himself, Adrian seemed so much happier than he did at home. This will have to become a regular occurrence, Dan thinks. Adrian deserves that break. He is too young for Dan to just get him out of the toxic environment their house could be at times, but Dan could at least give him a break. Just a little break, he owed him that much.

Dan still feels drained when they get home. They clean up a little bit and Phil offers to make them Stir Fry.  
“Adrian has apparently leaned how to cook. He said he’d teach me.” Phil smiles at him from where he’s stood at the stove.  
“Yeah, he actually did most of the work this morning. That would be lovely, wouldn’t it? If he could teach you?”  
Somehow, that just breaks him. Dan starts crying. Not small, little, silent tears. Full-on sobbing. Phil switches off the stove quickly and then is there to wrap his arms around Dan immediately.  
“Hey hey hey” he whispers in Dan’s ear while rubbing soothing circles on his back. “What’s going on?”  
“Dunno” is all Dan manages to get out before he’s reduced to tears again.  
Phil just scoops him up and carries him to the sofa, where he lays him down and holds him. When Dan’s sobs have calmed down to silent tears, interrupted by small little hiccups, Phil speaks again.  
“Are these happy tears or sad tears, because I can’t really tell right now.” He brushes a strand of hair out of Dan’s eyes. It sticks to Dan’s forehead.  
“I think they’re just overwhelmed tears.” Dan says between his hiccups.  
“That makes sense. This weekend was a lot. For both of you, I bet.”  
When Dan’s tears finally subside, Phil loosens his grip on him and moves to gently stroking up and down his arm.  
“Would it be okay if Adrian comes to visit more often?” Dan is pretty sure he knows the answer already, especially after the conversation he overheard this morning.  
“Would you want him to?” Phil asks, already nodding simultaneously.  
“I think so, yeah. And I think he would like it, too. I mean, I know I would’ve liked to have an older brother to visit when I was his age. Just to get away from everything.”  
Phil smiles his sympathetic smile, just like he always does when Dan mentions his past. “I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone back then.”  
“I’m glad I have someone now.” Dan says, partly because it’s true and partly to wipe the pitying look off Phil’s face.  
It works. Phil’s smile seems more genuine when he replies. “Yeah, me too.”  
Dan wipes his cheeks dry with the sleeve of his hoodie and then sucks up all the snot through his nose. Very attractive, he thinks and groans.  
“Do you ever get tired of dealing with my fucked-up family?”  
Phil almost seems offended. “Of course not. Plus, whose family isn’t at least a little bit fucked up?”  
Dan rolls his eyes at him.  
“Are you serious? Your family is basically like the fucking Brady Bunch. Me on the other hand… I suck as an older brother”  
Phil pauses for a moment, then sits up straight.  
“Did I ever tell you about that time my brother threatened to out me to everyone?”  
“What? No?! Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Well, it was years ago. I was home from uni one week and I...” he looks at Dan as if a little unsure of how to phrase the next part, “I didn’t come home by myself.”  
Dan just shrugs his shoulders. He knows there had been men before him. He also knows there’s not going to be any men after him, so he’s fine hearing about past stories.  
“Anyways, me and my ‘friend’,” Phil draws quotation marks with his fingers, “we’re in my bedroom, thinking we’ve got the house to ourselves. So the door is like, wide open, just so we can hear if anybody walks into the house. Turns out, my brother also thought he had the house to himself and was trying to sneak his ‘friend’,” Phil draws quotation marks again, “out the door. A lot of screaming, many naked butts and two deeply harrowed partners later, him and me are sitting in his room and he just says: ‘If you tell on me I’ll tell everybody that you were in there with another dude.’” Dan’s eyes grow wide. “And I just froze up. I completely didn’t move for a solid minute I think, because I was just so scared that my brother would actually betray me like that.”  
“He did that?” Dan was in utter disbelief. This didn’t sound like the Martyn he knew at all.  
“Yup, he did. He was so scared that I would tell on him. The woman he was with was like in her forties and I’m pretty sure she was a friend of our mum. So he wanted to protect himself, even if he hurt me in the process.”  
Dan feels like he knows where Phil is going with this story. When he tries to interrupt him though, Phil just raises his hand and shushes him. So Dan closes his mouth again, looking like a fish, and lets Phil continue.  
“And you know what? I don’t blame him. Even though he threatened me with what I then thought would be the worst thing ever, I still love him with all my heart. He was looking out for himself and he chose a really crappy way to do so.” He takes a deep breath now.  
“The point is, Dan, nobody is perfect. As much as we all like to pretend we are. My brother and I love each other to bits, but that’s not because we think the other person is infallible. We know they’re not and we love them all the same.” He takes another deep breath before he continues. “Adrian knows you aren’t perfect, too. But y’know what he also knows? He knows that you showed up for him this weekend. And that you’ll continue to show up for him whenever you can, even if that isn’t all the time in all the ways. And he knows that, no matter what, no-one will ever get his problems with family like you do. It’s not the things that make you different that count, it’s the things that connect you.”  
Dan is pretty sure he’s dried up completely, because if there were any tears left in his body, he’d be shedding them now.  
“Phil” he says instead, still sounding a little choked up.  
“Mh-hm,” Phil hums, as if he’s distracted by something, even though Dan knows he’s only present in this moment.  
“You say perfect people don’t exist, but I think you come very darn close.”  
Phil turns his head slowly and kisses him. Properly, for the first time in days.  
“I love you,” he says when they part.  
“I love you most.”  
“I love you mostest.”  
“That’s not a word, Phil.”  
“Shut up and kiss me.”

They’re in bed even though it’s only just past ten o’clock. The room is dark, so Dan notices his phone screen light up immediately. Adrian’s name pops up.

Adrian:  
Made it home ok. Mum picked me up. Think she was crying b4 I got there  
Me:  
glad u made it. ill call her tmrw ok? u make sure to get some sleep, its l8.  
Then, before he has time to think about it too much, he shoots Adrian another text.  
Me:  
loved havig u here this wknd. lets do it again soon ok?  
His brother’s reply is so simple, yet so exactly like him. It makes Dan smile.  
Adrian:  
Thx :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was a roller coaster to write. Was it a roller coaster to read? Hopefully not.
> 
> Also, those texting abbreviations make me physically cringe, but y’know… realness and all that. Early 2010s really were a different time, huh? 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think - if you liked it, awesome, and if you didn’t, that’s fine, too.  
See you soon for the finale ;)


	5. We've taken different paths and travelled different roads / I know we'll always end up on the same one when we're old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: It's early June 2019 and Dan reminisces on old times to calm his nerves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re back for one final time.  
In case you haven’t yet, I’d really recommend listening to the song I was inspired by (Kodaline- Brother) before reading. It sets the mood quite nicely, I believe. (Don’t watch the video though, or you won’t be able to read through the tears. I’m not joking, I was a wreck for like half an hour. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.)  
The last chapter in this story is finally done and serves as an epilogue. I hope you like how it ties this short little story together and enjoy reading it.  
In the words of a very wise man: now before I start crying let’s wrap this shit up

He walks anxiously from one side of the fireplace to the other. It’s been about five minutes. Shouldn’t someone have read it already? People are on their phones all the time these days and they can’t even bother to check an email when they receive it? Or, he thinks, maybe they’ve already read it. Maybe his grandma is writing him out of her will right now. Maybe his mum is frantically calling his brother, screaming into the phone something like: “Did you know?!?!?!” And what would Adrian reply? Dan added him as a recipient as well, even though of course his brother already knows. He just thought it’d be nice for him to know that everyone else now knows, too. Eight years later and he finally no longer needs his brother to keep his secret. Dan will be grateful forever that he did, though.

In an attempt to calm himself, he looks up at the collection of pictures on the mantle piece.  
There’s one of Phil’s parents on the Isle of Man, holding hands and smiling widely into the camera. It was taken on one of their walks only two weeks after they’d found out that Nigel was finally in remission. They’d flown out immediately upon hearing the news and celebrated. No wonder they were smiling so widely.  
There’s one of Dan and his grandma, he is about 5 years old and smiling widely for the camera. He touches the heavy golden frame, as old as the picture itself and feels another wave of anxiousness hitting him. Would his grandma ever talk to him again? He tries to calm his breath. Steady in, steady out. Just like his therapist told him. She had to talk to him again, right? I mean, he’d promised to give her his old iPad, so she’d have to wait to cut him out at least until then.  
Then there is the one of Phil and him with Louise and her daughters. It was in the craziest frame and honestly, it didn’t fit the aesthetic of their place at all. It was bright pink and covered in feathers and blue glitter, so every time you’d move it there’d be glitter everywhere for weeks. Still, it was kept in this frame. Darcy and Phil had ‘designed’ it together when they went up to visit Louise. Him and Louise were stood watching from the kitchen, Pearl happily cooing beside them, as the Phil and Darcy laughed freely and made a mess of the living room. “He’ll make a great dad someday, you know?” she’d said, shoving her elbow into his side lightly, and Dan had rolled his eyes while secretly agreeing.  
There’s one of them with PJ and Sophie at a beach, taken just after Dan and Phil had helped PJ propose. It’s legal for them to get married now. Dan knows he wants to propose to Phil. He doesn’t know how to make it as special as Phil deserves it to be yet, but he’ll figure it out.  
There is one with all the Lesters, blood-related and in-laws alike, taken at Christmas a couple of years ago. Dan loves Christmas at the Lesters. It always feels lovely and warm and sweet and so different to how he used to spent Christmas as a kid. He never wants to leave the Isle (and Phil) on Christmas Eve to go to be with his actual family in time for Christmas Day. Maybe this year, for the first time, he wouldn’t have to.  
There’s one of just him and his Mum after their show in Reading last year. Dan was sweaty and the picture is blurry, but it deserves to be here. His mum had hugged him so tightly and just said “I’m so proud of you” over and over and over again. 

And then, just behind it, there’s his favourite one: Dan, Phil, and Adrian, all smiling awkwardly and a little glimpse of the Manchester wheel in the background.  
Dan picks it up, running his thumb softly around the edges of the plain black frame. A lot has changed since that picture was taken.  
Phone cameras had improved greatly, he thinks as he takes a closer look at the approximately 10 pixels the photo consists off.  
The wheel visible behind them had been dismantled, much to their dismay. To this day it remains a sore topic for Phil.  
Both he and Phil now have slightly less ridiculous haircuts.  
He no longer has to bend down to fit into frame with his brother, who is now just as tall as Dan himself.  
But of course, that’s just the blatantly obvious stuff. There is so much more that had changed about them than met the eye.  
In all the years that passed, Dan and Adrian’s relationship has changed time and time again.  
After that first visit to Manchester, where the picture was taken, Adrian had visited them two more times before they eventually moved to London.  
They’d promised he could come visit when they’d properly moved in, but by the time that happened, Adrian no longer wanted to come visit. Their relationship was beginning to shift as Dan developed a bigger audience and people started prying not only into his and Phil’s personal lives, but also his brother’s. Adrian didn’t know how to handle it. How could he, Dan himself didn’t know how to handle it. They drifted apart, then. Adrian didn’t come to visit their new apartment and eventually, they barely spoke at all. It was even worse than it had been back when they were living under the same roof and Dan doesn’t remember how many times he fell asleep crying in Phil’s arms during that time. Yet, during all of it, even in all the anger Adrian had rightfully directed at his older brother, not once had he threatened to out him. Not once. Back then, Dan was so scared of it happening that he eventually got Phil to call Adrian. And of course, Phil did. He was laying in bed while Phil was on the phone in the living room. He could only hear muffled voices but when Phil came back all he said was “Adrian said he would never do that to you.” And Dan, not for the first time, wondered why his brother was still so nice to him, even after everything Dan had – voluntarily and involuntarily – put him through.  
That time hurts to think about, even now. But, just like everything else, it had passed. And even with all the terrible memories attached to that whole year, it made the reunion of the two brothers approximately one year later all the sweeter.  
When his mum finally kicked his father out for good, Dan had spent a week back at his old house with her and Adrian. As they both held her as she cried, it seemed they seemed to realize that in the end, this was all they had: each other. They talked and talked and talked. About how many of the strains put on their relationship were somehow connecting back to their father. About how they had to come together to be there for Mum. About how it was okay that they weren’t okay and that they were going to work on it as a family. As brothers.  
As emotionally draining as that week was, it also holds some of his favourite memories they ever made as a family. Adrian did actually teach him how to cook during that week and his chickpea curry is still a favourite in their household nowadays (and one of the only things Phil lets him cook unsupervised). He remembers that one evening his mother found a moving box of old tableware from his father. It was quite possibly the ugliest thing Dan had ever seen and they spent the whole night in the garden, smashing cups up with a hammer, throwing plates on the tiles of the back porch and laughing like maniacs until eventually, their neighbours had threatened to call the police.  
Dan remembers the long phone call after Dan had posted his video ‘Daniel and Depression’ back in 2017. It was probably the most nervous he’d ever been posting a video on YouTube. Even the jitters before his first ever video paled in comparison. (He knows that, soon, he’ll probably experience the very same feeling all over again. That’s a different story, though. First he needs to see how this part with his family goes.) During their phone call, Adrian had opened up about his own mental health struggles and told Dan that he’d been seeing a therapist for some time now, too. Dan still remembers how protective he’d felt over his younger brother, even though of course, Adrian was all grown up by then. He also remembers that it was the first time they’d actually said ‘I love you’ to each other. It had taken almost twenty years for them to get there, but they finally did it.  
He thinks about visiting Adrian and his girlfriend in their current flat only a couple of months ago. About how they’d shown him around and how Dan realized in that moment that his little brother was, finally, properly, grown up. More important, he noticed how Mia would give him little reassuring touches every once in a while, how she would kiss him even in front of Dan and how Adrian would smile every time she did. Dan is convinced that Adrian has finally found his person, too. He remembers them in the kitchen, Dan put on wine duty while the two of them moved around each other like a well-oiled machine, when she mentioned an ex-girlfriend in an off-hand kind of way. He remembers almost dropping the bottle and shooting a glance at his brother, who just winked at him and carried on chopping his tofu as if nothing ever happened.

His phone pings with a new notification and Dan jumps out of his trance. He quickly sets the picture frame back on the mantle piece as Phil’s head appears in the door frame.  
“Is that the first reply? I’ll be right there.”  
And with that, Phil’s head is gone again, presumably to go back to the kitchen. Phil had been put on Hot Chocolate Duty right after fulfilling his job as ‘Emotional Support Button Presser’.  
As Phil walks into their lounge, carefully placing two steaming mugs on the coffee table, Dan finally musters up the courage to look at his phone screen.  
“It’s from Adrian” he says, relief washing over him. He already knows it’ll probably read “Oh My God! I had no idea” or something similarly silly, so he’s fine. Or at least, he thinks he is.

From: Adrian Howell  
Subject: Re: To the family from the awkward one

Hey awkward one,

I guess here’s my second chance to react to you coming out, huh?  
Let’s start with: I am proud of you and will forever be grateful to have you as my brother.  
Life really didn’t go easy on you and the fact that you came out the other side as the amazing, wonderful, inspiring and (now fully) authentic person that you are makes me both incredibly happy for you and proud of you.  
I know this wasn’t an easy thing to do and I’m so glad for you to have found the courage to finally announce it.  
Big love to you (and Phil, knowing him he was probably just as nervous as you), I hope you celebrate and enjoy your first night being out to the rest of the fam. I’ll be sure to have a glass in your honour tonight (by that I mean a protein shake, my next marathon is in two weeks, can’t really be having alcohol right now.)

Love you, see you soon,  
the other awkward one

P.S.: Mia says to tell you that you and Phil should come visit soon.  
P.P.S.: An email?? Really???

Dan doesn’t really know whether to laugh or cry happy tears as he takes another look at the picture up on the mantelpiece.  
Yes, quite a lot of things have changed since that visit to Manchester all those years ago. If he looks for it, Dan could probably even find a better, more recent picture of the three of them together.  
Dan knows full well though that this picture will stay up on that mantelpiece until it is all bleached out from the sunlight.  
It will always remind him of the special bond him and Adrian have.  
It will always remind him that, even though life had lead them on different roads, for sure, at the end of the day, they’d always share the same one home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand scene.  
Yay, we’re done! Thank you for reading this all the way through, for sticking with me through my first chaptered fic and thank you for giving it/me a chance. I shall return to fluffy one-shots for now, but maybe see you soon somewhere? <3  
Thank you again <3


End file.
